More and more often I find myself unable to sleep because I can’t turn my brain off. It’s midnight now and though I did doze off for about 20 minutes earlier, I’m not awake and don’t know what to do with myself. So, I decided to hop over here and write it out. Maybe writing will make me feel better or maybe it will just make me realize how screwed I am.

Money. Money is the source of most of my issues. If I didn’t overspend or I made more money, we could get out of here. We could remedy most of what is bothering us – our debt, moving, the things that we would like to have, etc. I can’t even complain about not having things because we have everything we could ever want. I just mean that I’m always blindsided when suddenly the card doesn’t work when I’m trying to mobile order our groceries or I can’t reload a card for a snack during the day. I sit there and wonder ‘where did that money go’.

Complain at me all you want about being irresponsible but the last year has been great. We’ve done pretty good, all considering. I even started working again part-time. I now own my own business doing social media marketing and graphic design. I even find time to make juice in the morning. Despite all of this, I still feel the strong urge to spend.

You’re right, I should be happy. I should feel so blessed to have what we have and I shouldn’t complain at all. I admit that I am extremely fortunate and that, compared to many others, my life is a walk in the park. There are just some things that bother me, such as my family and the fact that I don’t want to live here anymore. I miss feeling like I have people who are willing to make time for me instead of me always making time for them. Honestly, I’m just tired.

I love spending all day with a tiny human who hollers at me for food while it seems that my family doesn’t think I do poop with him or for him. I love that all I want to do is hang out with people but half the time they make it feel like it is such an effort to get back to me. I just miss being happy. I know that I need to try to find ways to create my own happiness, and I’m trying, but right now I just feel miserable.

I don’t know how many of you feel this way too but I really hope that it gets better. I hope that we find our way to a place where we can enjoy life a little more, where not every day seems like a burden. It just has to get better. Let’s start with tomorrow. Let’s try to do one thing that makes tomorrow a better day. Do something for yourself. Find something you enjoy. Maybe even learn something new. Just try.

Don’t worry though, I’m doing just fine.

S.S.S.